In The Middle of the Night

Ok, I'm back. I need my therapy. Enough said.

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I have mixed feelings about insomnia. This morning, for example, at 3:21, I'm up, on the computer, when I usually am asleep. After maybe five hours on the couch of decent sleep (I dreamt about flying to southern Illinois to visit my mother's hometown) I woke, before three, and knew I was done with slumber for a while. I recognize the feeling immediately. Now, before I delve too deeply into the subject, allow me to outline my perceptions of my own personal insomnia and insomnia in general:

1) I sleep better in the summer than in the winter. I'm not sure why. I suppose this could be connected to the previous thread on sleeping in strange places, i.e. how I love to sleep on my front porch, but I don't think that's the whole story, as I believe I sleep better in the summer without regard to location. I do love the open windows and night breezes of summer, so that might be a factor. I suppose one could assert that I'm more carefree in the summer, but this summer, anyway, that's not true, as I'm quite busy at work. So, I guess, I have no good explanation for the summer/winter phenomena.

2) I am not a "pure" insomniac, in that I can't get to sleep in the first place. Instead, I fall asleep without difficulty at nine or ten then wake somewhere between two and four. Once I wake, I can easily discern if the night is one in which I will 1) fall asleep within moments, 2) stay awake for an hour or two, or 3) stay awake for the duration. Right now I'm in the "up for an hour or two" state, if my sense of self is accurate.

3) My insomnia is contextually unpredictable. I don't think I'm more of an insomniac while under stress (see #1), busy, etc. In fact, I think I might explore whether or not I'm more of an insomniac when I don't need sleep to fuel my activities. Perhaps I'm failing to spot a pattern.

4) I am sometimes productive while I'm up at night, during an insomniatic (did I just invent a word?) episode, but chances are I'm not. I guess I can read, if the mood strikes, but I usually channel surf (leading to an eventual post on "Girls Gone Wild" that's been running through my mind lately) or cruise the net. I tend not to eat. When I was younger, if insomnia emerged, I was more productive. If I couldn't sleep through my first years of teaching, a decade or more ago, I would shower, dress, and arrive at work by dawn. I have fond memories of those quiet hours in my classroom.

5) I don't buy into the whole "tortured insomniac artist" profile. I guess it's good for Beck or whomever, but it's not my style. I'd rather sleep.

6) I am distinguishing sinus-induced insomnia, which I would call illness, from insomnia during which I'm physically fine but happen to be awake in the middle of the night. The former is an evil bitch from hell from which I pray to all the Gods in the panthenon for release.

Allow me to summarize. I wake in the middle of the night and can't immediately fall asleep about once a week in the winter and a little less often in the summer. I'm not sure why, as no pattern (e.g. stress, art) is immediately apparent. I usually wish I could stay asleep, as I'm not very productive in the middle of the night. Tonight's an exception.

Ok, I'm glad to be back. I'll stay to stay on the Wednesday/Sunday schedule and see what happens. Back to sleep, I hope.