Deconstructing the NY Times "Havens" feature on Aug. 19, 2005

Every Friday the NY Times has a "Havens" feature in the "Escapes" section. The writer of the "Havens" feature interviews someone who lives in a house/condo/apartment near something unusual, or at least unusual to most New Yorkers (e.g. "houses near animal sanctuaries", or "apartments right outside ski lifts"). "Havens" then describes five houses for sale in that particular week's category.

I hate "Havens". The interviews star privileged, affluent folks bragging about their supposedly perfect lives. Of course, the interviewees can't come out and say "worship me and my existence" so they cloak their true messages in their comments about their locales. Below, as a public service, I deconstruct the August 19, 2005 "Havens" feature, or "Houses Near Kayaking Destinations" so you can understand the subtexts. My comments are in CAPS.

Who: Gary Fleener, 41, a college professor from Elsah, ILL, shown on land he owns near the Arkansas River.
Where: Salida, Colo.

WHAT THIS MEANS: I TEACH IN THE MIDWEST, BUT I WOULD SELL MY LEFT BALL AND MY UNBORN CHILD FOR A TENURE TRACK POSITION AT THE UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO, BOULDER.

I started coming to this area as a kid at summer camp, and I've been paddling and rafting out here for the last seventeen years. Most of my kayaking experience has been right here along the Arkansas River.

WHAT THIS MEANS: I AM FROM SOMEWHERE UNGLAMOROUS, AND I WOULD RATHER ASSOCIATE MYSELF WITH COLORADO THAN MY REAL HOMETOWN. MY PARENTS WERE RICH ENOUGH TO SEND ME TO SUMMER CAMP. THE MENTION OF MY EXTENSIVE TIME HERE FORSHADOWS A LATER REFERENCE TO MY DEEP CONNECTION TO THE LAND. BE VERY IMPRESSED.

My wife, Gwen, and I have land nearby in Buena Vista where we plan to build our own house close to the river. The house we now use, which is owned by her family, is about 15 minutes from the river. We spend eight weeks of the summer out here. This year I'm teaching a kayaking course at a summer camp nearby.

MY WIFE'S FAMILY IS LOADED. IN TURN, I'M BUILDING, PROBABLY WITH SOME OF THEIR MONEY, AN EVEN COOLER HOUSE IN A BETTER LOCATION AND WILL COMPARE MY HOUSE TO THEIRS AS MUCH AS I CAN. THE SUMMER CAMP THING MEANS I'M VERY SENSITIVE AND CHILD ORIENTED, DESPITE THE FACT I'M FORTY-ONE AND THIS IS MY FIRST REAL ENCOUNTER WITH CHILDREN.

The peak whitewater is in late June or early July, when the snow is melting. Now the water is a little low in some spots. If I'm lucky I can spend five out of every seven days on the river. Gwen enjoys going out on a duckie, an inflatable kayak, but hasn't been out this summer since we are expecting our first child soon.

I DITCH MY PREGNANT WIFE FIVE NIGHTS A WEEK TO GO KAYAKING. THIS WILL BECOME A MAJOR POINT OF CONTENTION AFTER THE CHILD IS BORN AND I CAN NO LONGER DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT AND LOOK COOL. I WILL CONSIDER NAILING ANOTHER WOMAN, PROBABLY A COLLEGE STUDENT FROM EITHER ONE OF MY CLASSES OR THE SUMMER CAMP.

One recent night, a group of us floated on Browns Canyon for about three hours. That is one of the most heavily trafficked rafting areas on the river, so if don't pay attention you can end up with 20 or 30 rafts around you. Of course, it all depends on what time you go. Paddling on the same river the other night, I didn't see a single person who wasn't with our group.

ALL PEOPLE WHO STARTED RAFTING ON THIS RIVER AFTER I ARRIVED DON'T BELONG HERE. REMEMBER, I SAID I'VE BEEN COMING FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS, AND IT WOULD REALLY MAKE ME LOOK COOLER IF OTHER PEOPLE DIDN'T RAFT HERE AND RUIN ITS EXCLUSIVITY. I'M DEEP AND SENSITIVE AS EVIDENCED BY MY DESIRE FOR SOLITUDE.

I'm a solid advanced intermediate paddler. I don't do the really hard stuff, but I do enjoy Class IV rapids. There is a great section of the river north of Buena vista, up the river from Salida, which has one of the best stretched of Class IV rapids anywhere in the country. Of course, I can't compare this area to a lot of other spots. I've been kayaking in South America and used to live near Yosemite Park, but I love it out here. There is nothing like floating down this river in the early evening light. After almost two decades, I'm not tired of it yet.

I'M A BETTER PADDLER THAN YOU. I'VE ALSO TRAVELLED TO SOUTH AMERICA. I TALK IN DETAIL ABOUT MY TRAVELS AT COCKTAIL PARTIES IN THE HOPE THAT I SOUND WORLDLY AND EXOTIC. HOWEVER, I AM A WHITE GUY FROM THE MIDWEST. STILL, THIS PLACE IS AWESOME AND YOU SHOULD ENVY BOTH ME AND MY LIFESTYLE. DO NOT FORGET THIS. I WILL PLAY OFF THE NY TIMES ARTICLE AS "NOT A BIG DEAL" BUT MAKE SURE EVERYONE I KNOW IS AWARE OF ITS PUBLICATION. I WILL THEN BASED MY ENTIRE LIFE ON THE IMAGE I PUT FORTH IN THE FEW HUNDRED WORDS OF THE ARTICLE. THANK YOU.