Random Anthony Goes Cosmo

I teach a lot of single women. Now, I don't teach single women how to be single, or where to get guys, etc., but I do sometimes take part in conversations with single women about relationships. I can't help it. They show up in my office, they sit in my classes, they serve as my colleagues, so relational topics are bound to turn up sooner than later. I work in education, mind you, where about ninety percent of the student population, not to mention the faculty population, is female. Gentlemen, if you desire close proximity with eager members of the opposite sex, sign up for an elementary teacher education program.

Now, I want to make it clear, I'm married, etc., so I'm not trying to get in the pants of any of my students or colleagues. In fact, my unavailability seems to provide the safety necessary for girls to spill their guts in my office. Plus, I'm a good fifteen years older than the undergrads, old enough to be out of reach for all but the most creepy and codependent of the students, and I like to think I have pretty good psychosis radar. The student body is not my garden.

Even if I'm not getting lucky, I do get to hear the gory post-breakup aftermaths and swooning first date preludes, so I'm listing a few observations I've heard, overheard, argued, debated, or sat in awe and absorbed over my last four years in higher education. I wouldn't pretend that these observations are "law" or even particularly accurate. Perhaps the women in my life have been untruthful. I can't say that I'm entirely confident of the substance of the utterings, although I can't think of a reason someone would lie to me other than wanting to avoid looking like a slut. What the hell, I'm naieve, according to some, including myself.

* Apparently, looks don't count for nearly as much as I had assumed. As long as you're not gross and unsightly, you've still got a shot. Perhaps I'm not a very good judge of what women consider attractive in a male. I mean, some of the ladies in the programs profess an attraction to guys that dress like they shop at a Sears circa 1981. Now, I can spot the programs' Brad Pitts half a mile away, and they're usually drooled upon (and often very personable, I must admit), but rarely are they the women's professed primary target. Instead, the girls go for badly dressed loser guys. At least, after checking out my male students, I can feel pretty good about my horrible satorial habits. If I could go back and speak to my nineteen year old self, I'd slap him on the back and give him a boost of confidence. I am terrified to think that I could have gotten much more action than I, nineteen and unconfident, assumed. Stupid!

* The undergrads are better at flirting than the older women. The girls in my undergraduate sections are ruthless. Last semester I got to the point where I wanted to tell a group of girls, "Listen, you get ten minutes to hit on Kyle, Brett, and Kevin, then you have to pay attention for two hours". The girls tossed their hair over their shoulders as they sauntered past the boys' table. The girls dressed like Coco Chanel would be evaluating their outfits at the end of each class. The boys, of course, wore sweatpants, t-shirts, and baseball caps.

* One of the women I work with swears that single girls will not sit at the table of a good looking guy early in the semester. I don't know how to take this. Of course, I immediately thought back to my own undergraduate and graduate experiences. Did women sit by me? Did they not? Either way, how was I supposed to evaluate the results, even if my memory could be trusted? My undergraduate classrooms usually had desks, not tables. Does that count? Should I consider how close (or far) the desks were together? If my colleague's assertion is true I must have been Northeastern Illinois University's Antonio Banderas because I don't remember too many cute girls sitting near me. Was everything Morrissey ever taught me wrong? I can't get my head around this "pretty girls not sitting with the cute guys" concept. Ask me later.

* The friendships girls forge in education programs last longer and seem stronger than the relationships guys form in education programs. I swear, the girls who hook up (not romantically...I'm unaware of any lesbian love affairs emerging in my courses) stick together in that "someday you'll be my bridesmaid" way. And if you mess with one, you mess with the entire table, so be careful, my friend. Guys, on the other hand, nod politely to each other, maybe chat about the Brewers, but I don't hear of them hitting the bars after class for a couple of beers.

* The wussy intellectual guys seem to score with education major girls. You heard it here first. Nerdy guys date way out of their leagues in teacher education.

Ok, that's it for now. All my students are out on dates, in the bars, or hanging out in the library. Time to turn off the office light and go home.