Is Drinking Alone Such a Bad Thing?

I like drinking alone. Now, I don't get wasted every night on Boone's Farm, so don't schedule an intervention, please. I get drunk on my own once a month, tops, but when the mood strikes (and I'm feeling the mood a-comin', I must admit), I like getting wasted sans company. In turn, dear people, please accept my apologia for solo intoxication:

1) I have been known, since my teenage years, for my supernatural sleeping ability. I believe I wrote about this ability in a previous post, but let me recap; I can fall asleep at parties, on the bus, in back seats, in garages, anywhere. My already prodigious sleeping gift is exacerbated by drug or alcohol use. Since I haven't smoked pot in about a decade (has it been that long?), the impact alcohol has on my sleepiness takes precedence. I'd rather get drunk at home, by myself, then out at some bar where I'll have to sleep in my car or risk crashing into some sideroad corn field.

2) My wife, a rather short Irish woman who once could drink me under the table, rarely touches alcohol. Maybe she got the habit out of her system back in her sorority days. I've seen pictures. Anyway, since she's not drinking, after the kids are asleep, I'll sometimes drink a few beers on my own.

3) I can do whatever I want when I'm drunk by myself without worrying about social niceties. I want to listen to Wilco's "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot" in the dark? So be it. Just don't wake the kids. I want to watch "The Blues Brothers" for the fiftieth time? Fine, just remember, if you fall asleep on the floor, come dawn a seven year old will be poking you with a Star Wars figure. I want to dance in the kitchen to the "Garden State" soundtrack, playing The Shins songs over and over again? Great, but turn off the lights so the neighbors can't see. You don't want to endure that mockery in the morning out by the garage.

4) When drinking alone I can drink as quickly or slowly as I like. I'm a "drink as fast as you can" guy for the first three or four, then I slow down over the last two or three before sleep (see number one) arrives. I don't need to worry about looking like a lush or alcohol prude because my alcohol colleagues (and like Chuck Klosterman has pointed out, we in the midwest approach drinking as if its a noble cause) are either ordering up more pitchers or sipping their glasses.

5) I can sit in my backyard and watch the stars without the pressure to put the experience into words.

6) I can drink whatever I want. In fact, I kind of feel like drinking tonight, but I have the wrong beer. I have some heavy local beer, when I really need some Rolling Rock. On another night I could use Mickeys or even Milwaukee's Best.

7) If I don't feel like drinking after a half a beer, I can stop and not worry about offending someone who came over for "a couple of beers".

8) I can have a couple beers after a night out at the bars.

Ok, I know I sound like a total alcoholic, but I want to restate that I get drunk maybe once a month at most. The most delicious, magical drunken nights are the impromptu ones, preferably on "what the hell" weeknights. Planned alcoholic experiences are disappointments about seventy-five percent of the time.

Ok, like I said, I think I have the wrong beer for the evening, but I'm going to check the fridge anyway. All this talk has made me thirsty.

Random Anthony Rates Kids TV Shows Part One

As I write on my laptop, my son, Nathaniel, is watching "Dora the Explorer". Some of you are probably ready to rip me a new one because my child is watching tv while I babble inanities onto my computer screen. Screw you. I have yet to read a definitive study that asserts, once and for all, that some television viewing ruins the life of children forever, and I know enough about research to refute anything you throw at me, so bring it on. In fact, I'm waiting for the study that analyzes the effect limiting television has on the big-ass heads of self-important parents who brag, at playgroups, about how little Emily and Jacob never watch tv and are perfectly happy building DNA models and writing poetry while everyone else watches Spongebob.

Now, I'm not saying that the television should be on at all hours. We have only one television in our house (a more effective parenting tool, in my eyes, than avoiding television alltogether), so whatever my kids are watching, I watch. I suppose I could go in the other room and read or talk on the phone, and sometimes I do, but I like hanging out with my kids, more or less, so if they're watching tv, I tend to watch with them. In turn, I have become somewhat of a kids tv authority. After a couple years getting up close and personal with NickJr., Cartoon Network, the Disney Channel, etc., I've jotted down my thoughts and ratings on some popular children's television shows. Before I start, here are three hard and fast kids tv rules:

1. Don't be afraid to go over the kids' heads. The parents are a target audience too.

2. Violence gets boring after a while, but humor is never dull.

3. Character is everything; plot is secondary.

Ok, onto the ratings/comments.

1. Mr. Rogers Neighborhood: The old standby fails to hold up over time. I tell you, tv must have sucked in the seventies. You can't tell me Mr. Rogers was ever watchable. My kids have never watched more than two minutes of this show, and thirty seconds into any episode I feel as if I have attention deficit disorder. Talk...faster! D

2. Kim Possible: I think my sons might have their first sexual experiences to Kim Possible or Totally Spies (more on them later). Kim Possible is the better of the two shows, because it's often funny (any show with a running gag on the villian forgetting the sidekick's name works for me), none of the characters are particularly stupid, and, despite the fact the main character is kind of a high school James Bond in female form, the series is still more realistic than the O.C. Extra points for the Mexican food. A-

3. Digimon/Pokemon/Any Variation of either of these: I don't know what the hell is going on in these shows, and I don't care to find out. I do, however, find the characters yelling out their attacks (e.g. "serpent tornado attack!") strangely hilarious, and often warn my children of my plans (e.g. "minivan grocery attack!") beforehand. If my kids actually understood these shows, I'd be disturbed. D+

4. Zaboomafoo: Chris and...the other one...Martin, I think, Kratt hang out with a talking lemur in Animal Junction. This show once featured an animal peeing on a piece of paper so Zaboo (the lemur) could learn that creatures communicate through scent. Most of the show is live action but still holds my kids' attention more often than not. The Kratt brothers are a bit dorky, but not "Wiggles" dorky, and I suppose they can't bust out with AK-47s or ass-shaking dancers on PBS. B+

5. The Wiggles: My kids hate this show. How come Jerry Falwell picks up on the Teletubbies but leaves the country unprotected from Captain Feathersword ? D-

6. Dora The Explorer: My youngest son is obsessed with Dora. He walks around the house screaming "Dora!" whenever he wants to watch television. His brothers will mock him forever for that habit, I'm afraid, but at least he obsesses over a watchable show. Dora's "swiper" bits are usually funny, and the little bugs who play the mariachi music are entertaining. I've learned more Spanish watching Dora than from any other source. B+

7. Totally Spies: Someone at Cartoon Network believes that borderline cartoon softcore porn is a good idea. Have you seen Sam, Alex, and Clover? They're hardly ever wearing anything but what looks like skintight lycra. The storylines wear thin after a while, but at least the writers don't seem to take themselves too seriously. I doubt Totally Spies will last more than a season or two. Where else could they take it? They're already repeating plotlines. B-

8. Teen Titans: Does this show count as kids television? Teen Titans exists on the scary borderline between tv aimed at seven year old boys and tv aimed at fat guys in their thirties who still collect comics. The last season, the "Raven" year, was intense and excellent until the last episode. I love the anime-esque colors as well. Hardly ever boring, but they need new episodes. Even I've seen most of the episodes at least twice. A-

9. Caillou: I hate f--king Caillou. This show could do more damage to children than the Texas Chainsaw Massacre or unfettered sugar consumption. Caillou is the most annoying goddamn character in the history of children's television. He's whiny, wimpy, and he neve shuts the hell up. His dad is worse. If he were my neighbor, I'd fire up a bag of horse shit on his front porch and hide in the bushes. PBS should be ashamed of themselves for dropping this horrendous bomb on the youth of America. F

10. Fairly Oddparents: The writers of this show understand rule number one (see above) better than anyone in the business. I don't think my kids get half the references in most episodes (for example the one where Timmy jumps in and out of classic books, including Huck Finn and Moby Dick), but they get enough of the humor to follow along. I suppose "The Simpsons" is a decent analogy, esp. since both shows feature a few key characters surrounded by a bevy of recurring secondary characters (I love the unshaven fairy cab driver), settings, and inside jokes (Timmy repeatedly tells his friends he gets his cool wish-booty from the internet). A

Ok, I've barely scratched the surface, and I've cataloged ten shows. Maybe I'll return to the topic in a few weeks. Good night.

Random Anthony Goes Cosmo

I teach a lot of single women. Now, I don't teach single women how to be single, or where to get guys, etc., but I do sometimes take part in conversations with single women about relationships. I can't help it. They show up in my office, they sit in my classes, they serve as my colleagues, so relational topics are bound to turn up sooner than later. I work in education, mind you, where about ninety percent of the student population, not to mention the faculty population, is female. Gentlemen, if you desire close proximity with eager members of the opposite sex, sign up for an elementary teacher education program.

Now, I want to make it clear, I'm married, etc., so I'm not trying to get in the pants of any of my students or colleagues. In fact, my unavailability seems to provide the safety necessary for girls to spill their guts in my office. Plus, I'm a good fifteen years older than the undergrads, old enough to be out of reach for all but the most creepy and codependent of the students, and I like to think I have pretty good psychosis radar. The student body is not my garden.

Even if I'm not getting lucky, I do get to hear the gory post-breakup aftermaths and swooning first date preludes, so I'm listing a few observations I've heard, overheard, argued, debated, or sat in awe and absorbed over my last four years in higher education. I wouldn't pretend that these observations are "law" or even particularly accurate. Perhaps the women in my life have been untruthful. I can't say that I'm entirely confident of the substance of the utterings, although I can't think of a reason someone would lie to me other than wanting to avoid looking like a slut. What the hell, I'm naieve, according to some, including myself.

* Apparently, looks don't count for nearly as much as I had assumed. As long as you're not gross and unsightly, you've still got a shot. Perhaps I'm not a very good judge of what women consider attractive in a male. I mean, some of the ladies in the programs profess an attraction to guys that dress like they shop at a Sears circa 1981. Now, I can spot the programs' Brad Pitts half a mile away, and they're usually drooled upon (and often very personable, I must admit), but rarely are they the women's professed primary target. Instead, the girls go for badly dressed loser guys. At least, after checking out my male students, I can feel pretty good about my horrible satorial habits. If I could go back and speak to my nineteen year old self, I'd slap him on the back and give him a boost of confidence. I am terrified to think that I could have gotten much more action than I, nineteen and unconfident, assumed. Stupid!

* The undergrads are better at flirting than the older women. The girls in my undergraduate sections are ruthless. Last semester I got to the point where I wanted to tell a group of girls, "Listen, you get ten minutes to hit on Kyle, Brett, and Kevin, then you have to pay attention for two hours". The girls tossed their hair over their shoulders as they sauntered past the boys' table. The girls dressed like Coco Chanel would be evaluating their outfits at the end of each class. The boys, of course, wore sweatpants, t-shirts, and baseball caps.

* One of the women I work with swears that single girls will not sit at the table of a good looking guy early in the semester. I don't know how to take this. Of course, I immediately thought back to my own undergraduate and graduate experiences. Did women sit by me? Did they not? Either way, how was I supposed to evaluate the results, even if my memory could be trusted? My undergraduate classrooms usually had desks, not tables. Does that count? Should I consider how close (or far) the desks were together? If my colleague's assertion is true I must have been Northeastern Illinois University's Antonio Banderas because I don't remember too many cute girls sitting near me. Was everything Morrissey ever taught me wrong? I can't get my head around this "pretty girls not sitting with the cute guys" concept. Ask me later.

* The friendships girls forge in education programs last longer and seem stronger than the relationships guys form in education programs. I swear, the girls who hook up (not romantically...I'm unaware of any lesbian love affairs emerging in my courses) stick together in that "someday you'll be my bridesmaid" way. And if you mess with one, you mess with the entire table, so be careful, my friend. Guys, on the other hand, nod politely to each other, maybe chat about the Brewers, but I don't hear of them hitting the bars after class for a couple of beers.

* The wussy intellectual guys seem to score with education major girls. You heard it here first. Nerdy guys date way out of their leagues in teacher education.

Ok, that's it for now. All my students are out on dates, in the bars, or hanging out in the library. Time to turn off the office light and go home.