Is Drinking Alone Such a Bad Thing?

I like drinking alone. Now, I don't get wasted every night on Boone's Farm, so don't schedule an intervention, please. I get drunk on my own once a month, tops, but when the mood strikes (and I'm feeling the mood a-comin', I must admit), I like getting wasted sans company. In turn, dear people, please accept my apologia for solo intoxication:

1) I have been known, since my teenage years, for my supernatural sleeping ability. I believe I wrote about this ability in a previous post, but let me recap; I can fall asleep at parties, on the bus, in back seats, in garages, anywhere. My already prodigious sleeping gift is exacerbated by drug or alcohol use. Since I haven't smoked pot in about a decade (has it been that long?), the impact alcohol has on my sleepiness takes precedence. I'd rather get drunk at home, by myself, then out at some bar where I'll have to sleep in my car or risk crashing into some sideroad corn field.

2) My wife, a rather short Irish woman who once could drink me under the table, rarely touches alcohol. Maybe she got the habit out of her system back in her sorority days. I've seen pictures. Anyway, since she's not drinking, after the kids are asleep, I'll sometimes drink a few beers on my own.

3) I can do whatever I want when I'm drunk by myself without worrying about social niceties. I want to listen to Wilco's "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot" in the dark? So be it. Just don't wake the kids. I want to watch "The Blues Brothers" for the fiftieth time? Fine, just remember, if you fall asleep on the floor, come dawn a seven year old will be poking you with a Star Wars figure. I want to dance in the kitchen to the "Garden State" soundtrack, playing The Shins songs over and over again? Great, but turn off the lights so the neighbors can't see. You don't want to endure that mockery in the morning out by the garage.

4) When drinking alone I can drink as quickly or slowly as I like. I'm a "drink as fast as you can" guy for the first three or four, then I slow down over the last two or three before sleep (see number one) arrives. I don't need to worry about looking like a lush or alcohol prude because my alcohol colleagues (and like Chuck Klosterman has pointed out, we in the midwest approach drinking as if its a noble cause) are either ordering up more pitchers or sipping their glasses.

5) I can sit in my backyard and watch the stars without the pressure to put the experience into words.

6) I can drink whatever I want. In fact, I kind of feel like drinking tonight, but I have the wrong beer. I have some heavy local beer, when I really need some Rolling Rock. On another night I could use Mickeys or even Milwaukee's Best.

7) If I don't feel like drinking after a half a beer, I can stop and not worry about offending someone who came over for "a couple of beers".

8) I can have a couple beers after a night out at the bars.

Ok, I know I sound like a total alcoholic, but I want to restate that I get drunk maybe once a month at most. The most delicious, magical drunken nights are the impromptu ones, preferably on "what the hell" weeknights. Planned alcoholic experiences are disappointments about seventy-five percent of the time.

Ok, like I said, I think I have the wrong beer for the evening, but I'm going to check the fridge anyway. All this talk has made me thirsty.