Random Anthony Rates Kids TV Shows Part One

As I write on my laptop, my son, Nathaniel, is watching "Dora the Explorer". Some of you are probably ready to rip me a new one because my child is watching tv while I babble inanities onto my computer screen. Screw you. I have yet to read a definitive study that asserts, once and for all, that some television viewing ruins the life of children forever, and I know enough about research to refute anything you throw at me, so bring it on. In fact, I'm waiting for the study that analyzes the effect limiting television has on the big-ass heads of self-important parents who brag, at playgroups, about how little Emily and Jacob never watch tv and are perfectly happy building DNA models and writing poetry while everyone else watches Spongebob.

Now, I'm not saying that the television should be on at all hours. We have only one television in our house (a more effective parenting tool, in my eyes, than avoiding television alltogether), so whatever my kids are watching, I watch. I suppose I could go in the other room and read or talk on the phone, and sometimes I do, but I like hanging out with my kids, more or less, so if they're watching tv, I tend to watch with them. In turn, I have become somewhat of a kids tv authority. After a couple years getting up close and personal with NickJr., Cartoon Network, the Disney Channel, etc., I've jotted down my thoughts and ratings on some popular children's television shows. Before I start, here are three hard and fast kids tv rules:

1. Don't be afraid to go over the kids' heads. The parents are a target audience too.

2. Violence gets boring after a while, but humor is never dull.

3. Character is everything; plot is secondary.

Ok, onto the ratings/comments.

1. Mr. Rogers Neighborhood: The old standby fails to hold up over time. I tell you, tv must have sucked in the seventies. You can't tell me Mr. Rogers was ever watchable. My kids have never watched more than two minutes of this show, and thirty seconds into any episode I feel as if I have attention deficit disorder. Talk...faster! D

2. Kim Possible: I think my sons might have their first sexual experiences to Kim Possible or Totally Spies (more on them later). Kim Possible is the better of the two shows, because it's often funny (any show with a running gag on the villian forgetting the sidekick's name works for me), none of the characters are particularly stupid, and, despite the fact the main character is kind of a high school James Bond in female form, the series is still more realistic than the O.C. Extra points for the Mexican food. A-

3. Digimon/Pokemon/Any Variation of either of these: I don't know what the hell is going on in these shows, and I don't care to find out. I do, however, find the characters yelling out their attacks (e.g. "serpent tornado attack!") strangely hilarious, and often warn my children of my plans (e.g. "minivan grocery attack!") beforehand. If my kids actually understood these shows, I'd be disturbed. D+

4. Zaboomafoo: Chris and...the other one...Martin, I think, Kratt hang out with a talking lemur in Animal Junction. This show once featured an animal peeing on a piece of paper so Zaboo (the lemur) could learn that creatures communicate through scent. Most of the show is live action but still holds my kids' attention more often than not. The Kratt brothers are a bit dorky, but not "Wiggles" dorky, and I suppose they can't bust out with AK-47s or ass-shaking dancers on PBS. B+

5. The Wiggles: My kids hate this show. How come Jerry Falwell picks up on the Teletubbies but leaves the country unprotected from Captain Feathersword ? D-

6. Dora The Explorer: My youngest son is obsessed with Dora. He walks around the house screaming "Dora!" whenever he wants to watch television. His brothers will mock him forever for that habit, I'm afraid, but at least he obsesses over a watchable show. Dora's "swiper" bits are usually funny, and the little bugs who play the mariachi music are entertaining. I've learned more Spanish watching Dora than from any other source. B+

7. Totally Spies: Someone at Cartoon Network believes that borderline cartoon softcore porn is a good idea. Have you seen Sam, Alex, and Clover? They're hardly ever wearing anything but what looks like skintight lycra. The storylines wear thin after a while, but at least the writers don't seem to take themselves too seriously. I doubt Totally Spies will last more than a season or two. Where else could they take it? They're already repeating plotlines. B-

8. Teen Titans: Does this show count as kids television? Teen Titans exists on the scary borderline between tv aimed at seven year old boys and tv aimed at fat guys in their thirties who still collect comics. The last season, the "Raven" year, was intense and excellent until the last episode. I love the anime-esque colors as well. Hardly ever boring, but they need new episodes. Even I've seen most of the episodes at least twice. A-

9. Caillou: I hate f--king Caillou. This show could do more damage to children than the Texas Chainsaw Massacre or unfettered sugar consumption. Caillou is the most annoying goddamn character in the history of children's television. He's whiny, wimpy, and he neve shuts the hell up. His dad is worse. If he were my neighbor, I'd fire up a bag of horse shit on his front porch and hide in the bushes. PBS should be ashamed of themselves for dropping this horrendous bomb on the youth of America. F

10. Fairly Oddparents: The writers of this show understand rule number one (see above) better than anyone in the business. I don't think my kids get half the references in most episodes (for example the one where Timmy jumps in and out of classic books, including Huck Finn and Moby Dick), but they get enough of the humor to follow along. I suppose "The Simpsons" is a decent analogy, esp. since both shows feature a few key characters surrounded by a bevy of recurring secondary characters (I love the unshaven fairy cab driver), settings, and inside jokes (Timmy repeatedly tells his friends he gets his cool wish-booty from the internet). A

Ok, I've barely scratched the surface, and I've cataloged ten shows. Maybe I'll return to the topic in a few weeks. Good night.