I Like School, But I'll Never Sign Up For Another Graduate Program Again

I spend a lot of time in school. For example:

* I have completed about 70% of a doctoral program's coursework, and I'm just getting my head around my (third) dissertation topic.

* I am the chairperson of an academic department at a small private university (If these first two points don't seem to make sense to you, it might help to know that I train teachers, where experience in the field is more valued, often, than advanced degrees. Plus, I work cheap).

* I have a Masters degree in educational administration.

* I have a Masters degree in Reading.

* I have an undergraduate degree in Secondary Education with an English focus.

* I was a reading specialist at a small elementary school for four years.

* I taught middle school communications for four years.

* I have been in graduate school for all but, I think, three of the my teaching career's twelve years.

* I was a teacher's aide in a school for autistic children through most of college.

So why do I keep going to school? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not sure, but after much reflection, I've jotted down some reasons why I continue to sign up graduate programs like a junkie chasing down methadone.

1. I worked enough shitty manual labor jobs as a teenager to know that the worst college had to offer was better than the best fast food employment had to offer. When I had to pick a major, I went with English education because 1) I liked to read, 2) teaching didn't seem so hard, and 3) I at least kind of knew what teaching looked like, unlike engineering (still not sure what engineers do now that I hear they don't wear denim hats and drive trains) or something like architecture (I can't draw) or business (don't know the unwritten rules).

2) I get bored easily. Seriously. If I don't have my nose in a book, or have a class in mind, I get jumpy and distracted. This was esp. true when I was younger.

3) I like the social interaction inherent in most graduate classes. Virtually all of my best friends are associated with education in some way. Common struggles breed relationships.

4) I find the rules of education clear and easy to follow. Now, when I'm in a scenario where business etiquette is paramount, I'm in big trouble. My handshake is weak, I use the wrong fork, I don't know enough about the Red Sox, whatever. However, I can speak "teacher" with the best of them. Were education conversation tap-dancing, I'd be Fred Astaire. Were education conversation golf, I'd be that teenage girl from Haiwaii. You get the picture.

5) I don't like to look stupid, esp. at work. Graduate school has helped me at least appear well-informed.

When I was younger I took a perverse pride in making statements like "I will go to school for the rest of my life." I even had a loose plan in mind; finish the doctoral program, learn a language (maybe Spanish, but perhaps Greek or Latin too), study for the ministry, become sort of religious figure (but not a priest, because I'm not Christian). I'm ready to make a contradictory promise, however, and I don't mind making the promise public:

After I finish my dissertation and doctoral course work, I will never again enroll in a formal education program.

Now, I suppose I might take a class in watercolors or spinning, you know what I mean, but I'm done with the grad student thing. I've got six more months of coursework, and maybe a year and a half of the dissertation, but you know, I can already feel the weight of the world sliding off my shoulders as I near the end of my doctoral studies. I should clarify, by the way, that my comments are in no way a reflection on the quality of my educational experiences. My doctoral program kicks ass. However, rather than consider the doctoral program the whole of my path, go back to the years and years of structure and focus graduate programs have provided. Graduate school has been my marathon. I'm almost done.

I also like reading whatever the hell I want to read and resent graduate reading assignments (despite the fact, of course, I sometimes assign them). In fact, even though I'm still in the doctoral program, I pretty much read whatever the hell I want to read anyway. Take a look at number four above...I know graduate school enough to skim through almost reading assignment and appear, the next day, as well-read as anyone in my classes. Graduate school, my friends, is about learning how to appear hard-working when you really went to sleep the night before after a couple beers and "Desperate Housewives".

I also think it's time for me to give up the structure of graduate school and grow up. In fact, one of the administrative assistants at work told me, not long ago, that at age thirty-six I should probably stop complaining about wearing a suit to donor lunches and instead grow up. I suppose she had a point. Rather than relying on syllabi and course schedules to fill up my calendar, maybe I should figure out how I can best spend my time on this planet without classes on the docket. I'm thirty-six, man. I don't fit in the desks so well anymore, and I'm becoming one of those guys who starts to fall asleep and snore when the lectures grow a bit dull.

I don't think I'll ever stop loving school. I love the smell of the hallway at the end of summer, the possibility inherent on the first day of class, the relationships I've formed. But it's time, my friends, it's time. Once I'm Dr. Random, I'm done.